This is a secure line to Sunday Game Night

From: Nathan
To: Game Friends

Game Friends,

We here at SGN Enterprises take your personal information very seriously. To date we have never released your private data to any government agency, shadowy or otherwise. However, there are some extra steps you can take to improve the security of your next Sunday Game Night, this Sunday at 5pm:

• The security of the email list, or the “mailchain”, depends on having many respondents who append their response to the mailchain and cryptographically sign it. By appending a clever response, or “proof of work”, you ensure that no one author can control a 51% majority of responses and therefore double-spend emails.

• Choosing a strong password is imperative, but it’s important to note that we do not store your password directly. For example, my password often starts as a pound of raw ground beef. To store this password, we first add “salt”, then apply a non-reversible hashing function, which is to say we put it in a hot pan and break it apart with a wooden spoon. To increase the time cost of guessing the password, we apply the hashing function many times until the raw ground beef has been completely transformed. Then we store the password on a dense array of macrochips which are probabilistically interconnected using a proprietary dairy-based process. Finally we bake this database at 425˚ F until delicious. Even if an attacker were to obtain access to the database of hashed passwords—which happens more often than you might think—there is basically no way they could use that information to obtain the metaphorical raw ground beef.

• For your own security, you can either bring your password pre-hashed (this is the most secure) or you can bring a raw password and hash it in our secure kitchen facility. To keep storage costs down, we typically store a copy each of each hashed password in a distributed network of servers, which you could think of as stomachs; to properly allocate the hashes we need to know how many stomachs there will be, so please RSVP and let us know whether your server has any incompatibilities with particular data types—it’s for your security!

Sincerely,
Nathan

From: Brad
To: Game Friends

My password is typically stored with the aid of biocryptography. The password originates as a unique and specific combination of grain-derived sugars. This sugar code is then operated on by specially engineered organisms with a unique genetic code, transforming the sugars into a final product, utterly unrecognizable from the initial code. The transformation process is unique to the DNA of each batch of organisms. The beauty is that once the sugar code has been transformed, the encoding organisms die off, taking the encryption algorithm with them to the grave.

I will bring some commercially available examples of this biocryptography method, and perhaps an example of a passcode transformed by a method of my own design.

From: Lauren
To: Game Friends

BIOCRYPTOGRAPHY WAS INVENTED BY WOMEN

SGN’S ENCRYPTION WAS INVENTED BY HISPANIC AND INDIGENOUS WOMEN

OVER 60% OF SGN’S BIOENCRYPTION TECHNICIANS IN 2015 WERE ONE WHITE MAN NAMED KYLE

NO HISPANIC OR INDIGENOUS WOMAN HAS EVER SEEN A DIME FROM SGN

WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE ([address redacted])

SUNDAY AT 5PM

WE GO PUBLIC

THE REVOLUTION STARTS AT HOME

ANOMNOMYMOUS

From: Brian
To: Game Friends

To: support@sgn.biz

From: brian1985@aol.hotmail

Subject: Password Help

Hi,

I’m having trouble with my Sunday Game Night account. I have tried my password several ways and I can’t get it to work. Maybe my USB port isn’t configured to take ground beef passwords? Is there a special wooden spoon that I should use to mash it in there? Aren’t they supposed to be universal ports?! I thought maybe I had changed it to a beer password and forgotten about it, but no matter which keys I poured the beer onto, nothing worked. Can you reset my password remotely, or do I have to bring it into the Dell store?

Thanks,
Brian